Wearing Ties: Day 28

Whoa!  What is going on with my belly in this picture?  It looks like I need to go on a diet... a diet of bread and wasabi dressing!  Yesterday, after it was clear that I wouldn't have to kill my cat, I had some extra time, so I made some bread.  It is delicious, especially with some wasabi olive oil.  I finally found what puts the hot in hot mustard, because this stuff will clear out your sinuses. 

I got it at the Merrifield Garden Center, along with the Phantom wine that I got a while back.  I just found out that Tiff had entered a drawing, because we won something!  Woo-hoo!  I have to call tomorrow to claim my prize!  ... I wonder what it is...

Wearing Ties: Day 27

It was a warm day, and I needed a book.

I did not go to work today, so I could get away wearing shorts and flip-flops.  I spent the morning at the vet with a cat with a giant bladder.  Things are looking good now though, including me.

Wearing Ties: Day 26

Today's tie deserves a close-up.  It is absolutely beautiful.  Between the yellow, blue, and white large snowflakes, the green background, and the large print JC Penny tag on the back that looks like it's from the early 60's, I'm not sure what my favorite part of this wonderful tie is.  I think it must be the total package. 

I have a story involving this tie, but I think I need to let it percolate a bit before I tell it.  Maybe tomorrow.

Wearing Ties: Day 25

I look kind of silly in this picture.  I look kind of like a munchkin, but it was the best picture of the tie and that's really what this challenge is all about.  So take a close look at the swirling beauty it beholds.  I also wanted to get a picture of the great outdoors.  Today was absolutely beautiful.  The leaves are all sorts of bright colors, so I'm guessing that in 72 hours all the branches will be bare.  Such is life.

If you zoom in close enough to this picture you can see that I have something stuck in my teeth!  How long's that been there!?!

The Great Jack-O-Lantern Debate

I'm going to begin with a tale from last year.  It was an early afternoon on a Saturday in late October.  I had waited until Halloween to buy a pumpkin, and - surprise, surprise - I couldn't find any for sale.  This year, proving that I learn from my mistakes, I bought two pumpkins about a month ago.  This weekend, a full week before Halloween, my wife and I sharpened up our spooky carving knives and channeled our pumpkin creativity.  With two pumpkins to choose from, an unannounced competition ensues.  Here are the two entries:

From left to right: the potential loser and the potential winner.

For purposes of impartiality, I will not say who carved which pumpkin. Let's take a closer look at them, shall we? 

Trick-or-treat.

Our first entry is a larger, classically cut pumpkin lit with a normal flashlight.  It has cleverly designed uneven ovals for eyes and a predictable triangle for a nose.  The familiar grin of the jack-o-lantern makes this pumpkin a fan favorite.

Our second entry is a refreshingly out-of-the-box take on the Halloween tradition.

Knock. Knock. It's Halloween.

This jack-o-lantern noticeably is lit by a green, life-saving LED flashlight that promises over 200 hours of light, well beyond the typical flashlight.  This means it will haunt your doorstep longer.  It's face is hauntingly square.  The creator admits, "when I began I had Frankenstein in mind.  It turned out a bit different but I couldn't be happier." The harsh angles and lack of precision of the finer features hint that this pumpkin was carved with a knife that was much too large for the pumpkin, making the end result all the more impressive.  The pumpkin is dominated by the large tie below the face.  It will surely be the template for future generations of pumpkin carvers.

So which is your favorite? As if I have to ask.

Wearing Ties: Day 24

 Today was an absolutely beautiful day.  My wife and I drove through the Virginia countryside, stopping in Culpeper, Virginia at the MinuteMan MiniMall.  It's pretty cool.  They rent out spaces where you can sell anything you want.  There were a lot of antiques and art and jellies and jams.  There were some cool tin signs and giant globe that I wanted to take home.  I finally learned what a buggy wrench is, and in the picture of me, I found a butter churner.

We went because my mother-in-law rented out a space, that you can see in the picture below.  She's selling mostly stuff that she finds at yard sales, and after just one week, she started making a profit.  At times, it's like a fancy flea market, but it is surprisingly cool... and enormous; Tiff and I got lost in there looking around.

By the way, how's my haircut look?

More YouTube Comments

Yesterday, I got a bit upset about some certain comments made to a certain YouTube video. But the number of views still wows me. My newest video, which I made for my FAQ’s section, is tallying up hits pretty quickly, too:

Within a couple of days, my Holding My Breath video already had about two dozen hits. I was kind of excited about it. Then I got a strange message, not just a comment, that included this request:

I was wondering if you wouldn't mind making a video of you taking in a deep breath and blow up your cheeks as big as you can like a blowfish and try to talk and see how long you can do it for. You don't have to hold your breath just blow up your cheeks as big as you can and try to talk. Or if that's too hard, just make a video of you blowing up your cheeks as big as you can and see how long you could hold it for.

This was indeed a strange request that had me playing with my face for a few minutes. I don’t think it’s possible for me to talk with puffed up cheeks and I don’t have much interest in trying to break any records just puffing out my cheeks, unless…

I’ve heard about people who do really weird things for money. I think it is part of the dark side of the internet. Actually sometimes, like in an episode of the United States of Tara, it’s for items off a wishlist. It would be nice to have a wishlist, especially as Christmas approaches. So, if this takes off, it could be a regular feature, and maybe I could get that coat I’ve had my eye on. So Rabodon, this is for you:

I follow my audience.

UPDATE: Wow... not thirty minutes after posting the video,  Rabodon sent me another message congatulating me on the video.  Among the things he said, "...that's the best one yet..." and "5 stars".  Woo-hoo!

Wearing Ties: Day 23

This is how I spent my Saturday night.  A trip to Super Target.  When the month began, I was very aware of everyone and everything on these little excursions.  Now, even in a ridiculous tie, I don't think twice about it.  It's great.  Anyways, onward with my Saturday night.  In this second picture (yes, it's a two picture night) you can see the tie clearly as I'm carving my pumpkin.

Grapes and leaves.  That's what's on this tie... grapes and leaves.  It inspired me to open a bottle of wine. Today's selection was a Syrah from California called Orleans Hill.  My wife wasn't a huge fan, but I certainly enjoyed it.

As for my jack-o-lantern, I'm thinking the big reveal will be tomorrow.  Tune in next time!

Video Killed The Internet Star

My YouTube videos are cruising along, picking up hits. My Coin Pusher video is now close to 32,000 views; that is more than the entire population of the town I live in. Crazy!

Every now and then, I’ll get a comment, too! Usually this is a tip on how to beat it, or the startling suggestion that the carnival game is somehow rigged(!). Recently, those comments have taken a strange turn. Here’s what P45KAL had to say last month:

Hey cool story bro now go fix them teeth =]

Whoa, low blow, dude! I know, I know, I have large teeth. Like the Big Bad Wolf, however, I carry a certain amount of pride in maintaining these extra large shiny pearls. They are beautifully large. They have personality. And I do not feel the need to “fix them” nor did my dentist growing up. In fact, if anything, I’m hoping to donate them to the Smithsonian Institution upon my passing where they will be on display beside a picture of the lake where I eat lunch often. There will be a plaque that reads, “With these teeth, John Duffy ate lunch often.” And no, P45KAL, if that’s really your name, your sorry excuse for an internet smile does not excuse this unnecessary attack on my dental physique. =]!

Truthfully, I brushed this harsh comment off without much consideration until this week, when Jazzie646 came at me with this:

Maybe you can use that money to fix your teeth!

Egad! Et tu, Jazzie646? My enthusiastic smile of gargantuan proportions will not stand for this! I brush everyday and floss when I’m bored, what more could I possibly do? I hate the dentist as much as anyone, with good reason, as I have explained in the past:

Yes, IHD. But you imply that my teeth have fundamental problems that no dentist alone can fix. Perhaps every nickel and dime I come across should be saved until I can surgically repair my hideous teeth! Then, perhaps, I can rejoin society, show my face again in public, and be ready for my close-up. Only then can I be truly loved by the likes of P45KAL and Jazzie646. Only then can be a true internet star.

Wearing Ties: Day 22

Friday!  Today's tie is Italian crafted by Dona/Dona.  For some reason it was concave bending instead of converse... or something like that.  The outer edges stuck out.  I spent much of the day holding it flat.  It's the first time using the shirt, and I think it looks great.  All-in-all it was a great day, except I ordered the wrong toppings on my pizza.  I got pizza from Domino's.  I had grand visions of befriending the guy taking my order in the first few lines of our conversation and then convincing him to name the order, Man Wearing Ties.  But, the guy was just a nervous kid and the phones were ringing constantly, so I just put it in for John.  Maybe next time.

Next door to Domino's is a dry-cleaner's.  $1.45 per shirt... hmmm.  That may be worth it come November.

Wearing Ties: Day 21

This is one of my favorite ties that I've acquired this month.  It's not silky and shiny and it has a definite 1972 vibe.  I feel like I should be working for NASA with this tie.  Oh, if this tie could talk! 

Wearing Ties: Day Twenty

There were many attempts in the taking of this picture.  None of them were any good.  Today I wore a dark shirt with a light tie.  It felt very strange. 

Wearing Ties: Day 19

I wrote a blog post today that was not about my tie!  Today's tie is blue with pink lines!  Blue!  With Pink Lines!  I got it from my coworker Cindy!  Thanks, Cindy!

Missed Opportun... wait, Line!

Every now and then, it seems life is throwing things at you, and I don’t mean shoes or books. I mean chances and opportunities. Lights appear and bells go off. Windows and doors open, and everything around you is leading you to your next move with neon lights and airport runway attendants. When this happens, you follow the signs and, however slight or grand, your life is changed forever.

And every now and then, the world opens up, the chance is there, and before you know it, it’s gone, just like that. This past Friday was one of those times.

I got to go to a play on Friday put on by the community theater. I have been to a handful of these plays the past few years and they are always fun. This time out, we saw Little Shop of Horrors, which is a goofy musical. It was great.

Friday’s show was the premiere of the whole production season, so the little playhouse was packed full of 200 or so of theater aficionados. Good thing I was wearing my sweater vest!

I hate sitting next to strangers, but as I took my seat before the show, I was startled by the old man beside me, whom I recognized. He was in the last play we attended!, he was the star!, what was the name of that play, he was really good, I remember he had a role on a few episodes of The Wire, what was the name of that play, he was really good, I should say something. My mind raced.

My wife’s aunt sat on my opposite side and leaned forward to address the man. “You were in You Can’t Take It With You, right?” You Can’t Take It With You… that was it! She said something nice and then leaned back in her seat. I was up. This was it. I repeated the praise that I had just heard and then reveled in how cool it was that I was seated right next to him.

As I wondered of all the stories he must have of acting and community theater and his bit for HBO, he was idly staring off into space. It dawned on me that a conversation was ripe for the taking. I cleared my throat and attempted to say something, ask about the next show, how often he’s involved, or maybe just say that I’m looking forward to the show. But before I could say anything, his bag dropped from his lap to the floor.

I muttered and sputtered, asking him if he was okay, and he returned from straightening his bag with a book in his hand, a screenplay really, The Twilight of the Golds, which I know absolutely nothing about. He immediately opened it and began rehearsing silently with sweeping arm movement and frequent line-checking. All this time, I just sat dumbly. I didn’t say a word. I didn’t turn away. I just stared straight ahead and watched the actor act from the corner of my eye.

I’m not sure what would have become from a simple conversation with this man whose name I don’t even know. Maybe it would have led me to acting in the upcoming production, It’s A Wonderful Life, where I would have been discovered by a talent scout looking to cast members in an updated version of the movie. I could finally get the notoriety that I so desperately seek, and maybe I could bump my hit totals up and I could then hire a roving reporter! All from a simple conversation that was laid out before me.

Can't you just see that guy in the picture (no not me - the other guy!) playing the part of the greedy Mr. Potter in It's a Wonderful Life?  I look forward to seeing him!

Wearing Ties: Day 18

What a Monday!  I have to take a picture of our newly-hung swing for the homeowner's association.  I think I might send them this picture.  You probably can't see my tie very well, but it has lions on it.  Royal lions if there is such a thing... the kind of lion that's sitting up with it's tongue out and actually doesn't look much like a lion.  It is the first of the father-in-law collection!  Thanks, Jay!

Wearing Ties: Day 17

I've got on my Sunday best, today!  We went to this crazy large plant store, Merrifield Garden Center, to get one final plant for the front yard to balance it out.  Now, we just need one more and we should be good to go.  It was our first time to this garden center though, and it was really neat.  It looked like they had the indoor section divided up so that different people rent out sections of it.  We bought a bottle of wine, called Phantom, from one such place.  We plan on drinking it closer to Halloween.  The place was also selling hot dogs in the parking lot and offering hay rides around the, paved, grounds.  It was everything I wanted and more from a plant place.

About the tie, which I'm conveniently covering up with our new mum, the majestic paisley pattern camouflages a large coffee stain  right down the middle of it.  I think I got this one from my mom, but I did get another batch of ties from my in-laws yesterday.  I'm going to have more ties by the end of this than I'll know what to do with!  I love it though and I hope they keep coming!  I'm not sure from whom, but... that's beside the point.

Wearing Ties: Day 16

I spent most of the day planting stuff in the yard - and trying to unplant a certain stump - so for the second Saturday in a row, I had to make up a reason to wear a tie.  So I took the wife out for a hot date.  We went to a local diner/sports bar called 55's, which has been my favorite place to eat since we moved to the area.  I had Jeff's Steak-and-Cheese, which in their new menu is described as "A Local Favorite!" and my wife had Katie's Elle Mae Breakfast, complete with the best flapjacks in town.  As you can tell by the picture, it was delicious and made for the perfect date, followed by a trip to the super-Target.

The flapjacks really are the best!

Wearing Ties: Day 15

Today I went to a play, Little Shop of Horrors, all dressed up with tie and sweater vest.  I want to have fun with the tie-wearing campaign, but I'm not trying to make a mockery of the dress code and decorum at my work, so I was a little nervous wearing the vest to work, which I did even though it was jersey day (not that I own any jersies).  Turns out it was really, really comfortable.  It was so comfortable, in fact, that I took the afternoon off and decided not to change out of my shirt and tie and vest.  I'm starting to really like the feeling of being dressed up... for better or for worse.

I do want to write a blog post about it... hopefully in the next couple of days.

Something Sweet in the Rain

It rained today, but I still made my way to the lake for lunch. I like going to the lake when it rains because you can see a difference in the water level after just a morning of rain. The higher water cleans up the place too, it makes it look healthier and more like the pristine recreational lake that it wants to be.

Unfortunately, I had to stay in the car and watch the rain on the windshield blur the autumn leaves. It wasn’t so bad though… how hard can life be when you are enjoying a fantastic Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich? Plus, I’ve added something new to my lunch. Well, I’m not sure if “new” is the appropriate word for something that brings back so many memories.

When I was a kid, my lunch usually included a peanut butter sandwich (no jelly), cheese bits (which I think we’re either Cheez-its, or knock off Cheez-its, but in my head they were “cheese bits”), a bought box of milk (which all too often would go unopened), and some form of Little Debbie.

My Mom, and later my Dad, would only buy one kind at a time, so it was really a crapshoot as to what you were getting from week to week. Star Crunches were typical. They were always good, but somehow a little too crunchy. And crunch isn’t always what you want from your lunch ender. Oatmeal pies were also common, but they were always somewhat of a disappointment. I can picture myself rolling my eyes and swinging my arm in a grandiose “aww, shucks” kind of way upon discovering the light-brown oatmeal pie. Granted, I didn’t have any trouble eating them, but they always lacked a certain something, namely chocolate. That’s why all the good days, back in grade school, always included a Fudge Round.

The Fudge Round might just be the ultimate in lunchtime sweetness. It’s soft and moist, frighteningly close to gooey for such a pre-packaged treat. It’s richly chocolate without being disgustingly sweet. It’s satisfying in its single package, marking the perfect end to the perfect lunch, with just enough to look forward to for the next lunch.

Plus, they are one of the few things that I am never tempted to eat apart from lunch. Even growing up I don’t remember sneaking in and grabbing one, from the bottom cupboard under the microwave. In my head, they are strictly for bagged lunches and nothing else. My wife suggested taking some in the car for a long car ride, and I had to fight my instincts to agree to it.

I’m not sure if the Fudge Round will be a permanent addition to my lunch, but I am definitely going to enjoy them while I have them. Something is telling me to give Oatmeal Pies a second chance though…

Wearing Ties: Day 14

I was instructed to dance for this picture.

Today, I'm wearing a purple tie that a coworker gave me.  It's actually pretty nice.  Tiff suggested wearing a black belt with it, which I didn't think I was supposed to do with khaki, but it was an easy enough switch.

I think I'm definitely having an effect at work.  Today, I overheard a conversation about me (I think) that went something like this:

Person 1: I just want to smack him when I see him wearing a tie.
Person 2: Oh well, waah waah waahh... (I couldn't hear this person too clearly.)
Person 1: Oh no, I mean that in a good way... we should all be dressing like that!

I usually try not to listen in to other people's conversations, but my ears pricked up when I heard mention of my tie, and I'm glad I did.  Because we should all be dressing like this.

The painting on the wall behind me is my wife's.  She sells art.  The picture on the other side is seven and a half years old... before we had a digital camera and could take unlimited pictures....

Wearing Ties: Day 13

Here I am enjoying a seasonal beverage after a long day at work.  There must be a cold front coming through as I was inclined to put on my elbow-padded corduroy jacket after work.  That book I'm reading, it's Challenging Essays in Modern Thought published in 1928.  It is awesome.  I just got it from the library book sale along with a whole bag full of similar gems all for $2.  I have to read them all though before the next book sale at the library on November 5th!  Which means, I've got some readin' to do.

Today was a pretty big day in my month-long tie campaign.  While I did not wear my way-cool jacket to work, which would take some major cahones, I did receive not one but two gifts of ties today!  It was a glorious days and while some ties were goofy, there are many, many winners to choose from.  It is very exciting!

Wearing Ties: Day 12

I made this one big, just to see if I like it.  I'm not talking on the phone in this pictured  It's only staged... to make me look like the important person that I am.  This is what our new kitchen, or well, dining room looks like.

Check out the ads by the way... they should all be tie related.  I hope to become THE tie destination.

Wearing Ties: Day 11

I had the day off today, so there was no need to get dressed up.  I took this picture of myself in the mirror right after a trip to the grocery store.  Most strangers, unfortunately, don't think twice about seeing someone wearing a tie.  Kids are the exception; they look at you differently.  I thought that it was something akin to respect, but today I began to suspect that they are just seeing an age gap that they don't understand and has nothing to do with respect.

Wearing Ties: Day Ten

Today being Sunday, I thought I would just relax in my study by the fire.

Wearing Ties: Day Nine

Here I am at Sears with my gift of myrrh.  October 9th and the Christmas trees are twinkling!  I don't even know what I'm going to be for Halloween yet.  Heck, it's Columbus Day weekend... shouldn't I be busy honoring Christopher Columbus?

I decided to take this picture because it shows I got out and about wearing the tie, whereas all these pictures just show me wearing a tie in front of my newly painted dining room wall.

Wearing Ties: Day 8

Another not so great picture of me, as I think the camera focused on the cat, but I think it's the first time our cat's daily leg-scratch for a greeting has been captured by cameras.  Today's tie is god-awfully ugly.  People at work were clearly unsure what to say about it.  It was also the first tie all month that I've had difficulty tying.  It took me almost ten minutes just to figure out how to get the knot to look right!

The shirt though is the real story.  It might look super fancy, and in truth it probably once was.  But, along with the passenger seat in my car, it was victim to the Great Meatball Debacle of 2009 and still carries scars on the left cuff.  The Great Meatball Debacle of 2009 is similar only to the Great Coffee Fiasco of 2003 in terms of damage inflicted.  Both have taken quite some time to get over.

Wearing Ties: Day 7

Eventually I'll write a real post.  Today though, the shirt trumped the tie.  This has got to be the most comfortable shirt I own, minus the occasional choking sensation.  In news, I had to do some work in the sun with my tie on.  Yep, I put some extra air in my tires.  It was time.

Wearing Ties: Day 6

This isn't the greatest of pictures of me, but I think it captures the essence of the tie.  Yep, it's covered in sunflowers!

Wearing Ties: Day 5

Today, I went back to work after taking yesterday off for traveling.  It looks like I need to learn to straighten my tie and maybe comb my hair, and wind up the hose.

Wearing Ties: Day 4

Perhaps this is cheating a bit as this is from the early hours of Monday morning after a grand time was had by all at the wedding reception.  Officially taken on Monday though.  Plus, I could not have imagined wearing a tie on the day after this.

Wearing Ties: Day 3

This is me rocking the suspenders for the first time ever.  I wanted to look my best for a friend's wedding.  Mission accomplished on that.

Wearing Ties: Day 2



Road tripping with a tie on.  I believe this picture was taken near the Delaware Memorial Bridge.  I wore my wrinkliest tie-worthy shirt for this long day in the car.

I'm Wearing Ties

Today, I decided to wear a tie to work.

In the two-plus years, I’ve been with my current job, I’ve never worn a tie to work, and I’ve only seen one other person ever wear a tie, and he’s an important person who attends important meetings. I’m not so much either of those things and almost everyone assumed that I would be leaving work early to go to a job interview or a funeral… it was my own little litmus test of sorts, are you an optimist or a pessimist?

Truthfully, I’ve decided to wear a tie everyday for a month. When I started telling my coworkers this, they didn’t believe me (and thought it a little strange). A few reached the conclusion that I’ve been reading leadership books instructing me to dress for the position and respect that I desire. That sounded pretty good, so I almost ran with it as soon as they said it. But that's not the truth.  It would be neat though to see if I’m treated any differently while I’m wearing a tie and if over the course of the month, I start to act differently. On day one, for instance, right out of the gates I felt more assertive and had no trouble expressing my opinions.

Unfortunately, my reason is simply that I just felt like wearing a tie.

It sounds a bit like my old monthly sacrifices, but those have become passé and have fallen to the wayside. I’m having enough trouble just posting for this blog! I hope to include a new picture of myself, with a tie, everyday for a month right here on the Muted Guerrilla, so be sure to check me out! We’ll see how I do.

After making the decision last night that I would go forward with this challenge though, I went to my closet to inspect my many ties. For someone who never wears ties, I have acquired quite the collection. But, the wrench in my plans, if you take out all the ties that have cartoon characters on them and the ones with Santa Claus and his ilk on them, it suddenly becomes a much less impressive number. I may need to stock up on some run-of-the-mill ties.

I mention my tie dilemma in hopes of getting a package from home, or anywhere else I suppose, but I predict the true problem that I’ll run into is with the shirts as I only own a handful of tie-worthy shirts. And while I don’t mind ties from second-hand stores, dress shirts are more often misses than hits. I may end up having to spend a bit of money if this is going to be a success.

Pizza Hut: Fail

I’ve spent the past few nights searching for the beloved children’s book, Ira Sleeps Over. My wife needs it for work. I have never heard of this book and have no idea what the story is about (although I could take a guess), but I am confident that it is beloved. Who knew that it would be so hard to find though. Borders didn’t have it. Target didn’t have it. Barnes and Noble said they had one copy but it was nowhere to be found. Ira Sleeps Over must be one hot commodity!

The search was exhaustive and taking much longer than anticipated, so my wife and I pulled into a Pizza Hut for dinner. Pizza Hut is quick and easy. Sometimes it’s really nice to know what to expect from a place, which is always the case with Pizza Hut. The only decisions you have to make are which toppings to get and if we should spring for breadsticks. After eight years of living together, the toppings my wife and I choose are almost automatic, and on this night, the breadsticks were what drew us into the restaurant.

A quick side note before the impending disappointment: Domino’s recent recipe renovation is pretty tasty, and right now, they have a deal going for $5.99 for a medium pizza. The cheap frozen pizzas that are edible start out around $4.50 and can cost as much as $10! Plus, with Domino’s, it’s not DiGiorno; it’s delivery.

Anyways, back to Pizza Hut, so we order our pizza, half pepperoni and onion – half pineapple and olive and our breadsticks. The place is somewhat crowded so we watch people come and sit down, we watch as they get their breadsticks. When our pizza comes out, I ask the waitress to cancel our order of breadsticks. She apologizes and walks off. A few seconds later, I got up to get her attention as our order was wrong. It looked like half of it had all of our toppings and the other half was just cheese.

When they took it away, I thought they would put a rush on our order. Instead, they returned a few minutes later to let us know that it could take a while. At this point, I reordered our breadsticks. When they came, we ate them up quickly as they were delicious. My mind started relaxing a bit and I wanted to make a point to apologize to the waitress if I seemed annoyed earlier. Mistakes happen.

I didn’t see our waitress for another forty minutes, during which time my wife and I started talking about what headache pills we had at home. When the waitress finally did appear, this is what she said, “I don’t know what they’re doing back there but they’ve made three pizzas and none of them have been right.” We got up and left.

As I was walking out I started to wonder what they did with screwed-up pizzas, at that point I wish I had just eaten the cheese pizza. Hell, even the other half with olives and whatnot wouldn’t have been so bad. But today, some time after the events, the thing that bugs me the most is the response from the waitress.  I don't care who's fault it is... I just want pizza.  The fault can be yours and yours alone, but I guarantee that if you recognize the problem and react to it it won't be nearly as bad as you think it is.  I'm also easily won over with more breadsticks.

We did have places to go too.  We weren't sure when the library closed and we wanted to check it out on the off chance that they would have the beloved Ira Sleeps Over.  I figure if no national chain bookstore had it, there really wasn't much of a chance that the public library would carry it, but lo and behold they did!  And multiple copies too!

My wife created a butterfly out of a caterpillar. It’s magic!

She started out with a black and yellow caterpillar that likes to eat big green leaves of a plant called milkweed. Interesting note about milkweed: the stuff is poisonous to most animals, but caterpillars love it. It doesn’t take much encouragement for them to eat, as they don’t have much else to do. Which brings me to a cautionary point, keep in mind that when things are eaten something has to come out the other end. Beware of copious amounts of pooh while creating a butterfly. Interesting note about copious amounts of pooh: skin mites live in your bed mattress subsisting on the dead skin that you lose each night; they poop five times their bodyweight each and every day.

Anyways, eventually the caterpillar decides enough is enough and begins to look for a place to hang himself.  Then in a fit of rage, this happens:

Then the caterpillar just hangs out for a week or so, while the magic happens; and while spectators are left to wonder “what’s he doin’ in there?” Then the vivid green and gold of the cocoon begin to fade, revealing what is inside!

And from the caterpillar’s cocoon, emerges a beautiful butterfly that can fly and soar and be free and land on a nearby fence…

 And a jungle gym…

And a hand…

 Until it flies and flies and flies.

All the way to butterfly heaven, which is somewhere in Central America.  All-in-all, just like honey and maple syrup, it’s pure magic.

Walling Off Traffic

I’m not a big fan of traffic. I hate the stuff. Ironically, all the traffic that I encounter in my suburban commute is due to road construction meant to alleviate traffic. Whatever… maybe it makes sense.

What doesn’t make sense is building houses right next to busy, traffic-filled, 60-mph roads. There are probably a half-dozen neighborhoods that back up to my commute – each with several homes that I can see into from my car, granted very briefly. I don’t understand people who live in these homes. They must have gotten a good deal.

What makes even less sense is that a number of them have built these fancy patios or decks. Maybe they enjoy their location and think of it as box seats to a show. They sit out and watch the traffic… with their news radio on listening for traffic updates. Hey, it beats NASCAR.

Of course I’m kidding, and apparently the residents of these homes are thinking along the same lines as me. In the past few weeks, I’ve gotten to watch as three of these neighborhoods on my daily route have erected giant privacy walls between them and me, the commuter.

I’ve seen them before on the side of major highways, but after seeing their slow progression, I must admit that I didn’t realize how big they actually are. Or, how big things are that build big things. Or, that anyone would ever think to paint a giant wall brown.

So now those poor people are backed up against a giant wall. The relief from the noise and stream of headlights I can only imagine is worth it, but now you have this giant wall in your backyard. It seems like a lose-lose situation to me. I mean, my commute feels different and I’m usually flying by these walls without much thought, I’m sure that if you live there, life has to be different as well… much more guarded and protected.

In fact, I bet you that a study on kids that grow up next to giant walls as opposed to kids that don’t would prove that there are huge differences, like in racquetball ability. Although it won’t take too many over-hit balls before it starts affecting traffic.

Note: Sorry for the lame post. I’ve had the idea of these big walls for a couple of weeks now, but I have no idea what to call them, let alone what to say about them. If I only had a roving reporter, then I could get someone else to write about it, and do some investigating, like who paid for these giant walls, and what does the homeowners have to say about them, and are there any world-famous racquetballers who grew up in their shadows. Maybe they could do a “Day in the Life of” type piece about the painter of the giant wall. And of course there would be pictures. Ahhh… someday, maybe someday.

The Mutant Guerrilla!!

At some point in the year – it seems to change every year – my parents unleash the family newsletter. This year along with it, they unwittingly released the Mutant Guerrilla! Rehaarr! That’s right – mothers collect your kids – there’s a Mutant Guerrilla on the loose! Rehaarr!

A local man reacted to the news saying, “Mutant Guerrilla, eh? They usually don’t stray this far from the smelly bogs. (He) must be hungry.”

The Mutant Guerrilla. I love it! Rehaarr! Apparently on top of writing the wonderfully insightful Muted Guerrilla blog, I also maintain the Mutant Guerrilla, which I can only assume is much angrier and uses more capital letters. REHAARR! Yep, it must be one of those smelly blogs.

I’m not sure if everyone’s family has a similar experience, but in my family, the annual family update is a practice in wishing the worst upon your siblings. The picture and description of you will undoubtedly be embarrassing, but as long as someone else’s is worse, you’re golden.

Actually, that’s not true. While I bemoan the letter with everyone, each year I secretly hope that I look like a deformed Batman villain, the zanier the better. It’s my only chance of standing out, and I like to be noticed… from afar. The picture that comes to my mind is one, from a few years back, taken when I had a temperature of well over a hundred and I hadn’t shower in a week or so.  I was smiling though, so it worked for my Mom.

In fact, maybe next year the picture of me will be unrecognizable.  Long-lost friends and distant family members will open next year's newsletter and wonder when the Duffy's adopted a thirty year old man who appears almost like a mutant guerrilla.

All that being said, I only hope that everyone enjoys the Muted Guerrilla as much as my parents do.

Tabbin' It Up

If you want something done, it’s best to do it. I think that’s how the saying goes at least, and a truer statement has never been said. My intern Jeff has dilly-dallied far too long in revamping the Muted Guerrilla, so I’ve taken the project up myself.

The color and layout is in a test phase right now and is subject to change without notification. You have been warned. I’m currently trying out a color that is referred to as “the color of that shirt that I don’t like but still wear” which, at the moment, I kind of like.

There are also a few new features of blogger that have become available, which I hope to implement cautiously, as I do not want to overload the reader. The first of these fine advancements you would come to if, like me, you are a practicing Mutedguerrillologist is tabs.

While tabs can be used effectively in the right format, I’m not sure it’s suited for my write-whatever-the-hell-I-feel-like approach. But as a testament to my never-ending quest to perfection, I’ve included them for you to appreciate and reference as needed, provided that you feel blessed to be living at a time when tabs have become a reality.

Currently we have two tabs for you, an About the Author tab and a Frequently Asked Question tab... both of which are still under construction.

Frustration Begets Inspiration

The lake where I eat lunch often has been as peaceful and relaxing as ever lately, with the exception of one thing. Now that summer has passed and the boat rental booth is closed for the season, people are starting to assume that the well-placed man in business attire, who is eating his lunch in the shade by the lake, would know how to rent a boat on such a beautiful day.

Well, I don’t, so stop asking.

This has become somewhat of a daily occurrence, which only annoys me in that I don’t have an answer for them. Today, two groups asked me this, along with a multitude of follow up questions, which I answered as best I could. I tried to be friendly with my answers, but when an older gentleman struck me with “well, do you know the number we can call to find out?” in a tone usually reserved for customer service hotlines, I decided to drop all pretenses of being helpful. With a bigger smile, I repeated my opening line, “Sorry, I don’t work here,” but this time I ended the sentence there.

While I returned to my lunch, I now had more to chew on than another perfectly-crafted Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich. People can sometimes annoy me, hence my daily trip to the quiet of the lake. But, if you think about something long enough, some good’s got to come out of it. Yep, frustration begets inspiration:

Front

Back

Not Staff by johntduffy

See more t-shirts created on zazzle

That’s funny to me.

I'll have to find a way to darken my wife's sketch on the front, but I have a strange feeling that this will not be the last time that A Portrait of Me finds his way onto a T-Shirt. One can only hope.

Brilliant Game Show

Not to find genius where, clearly, there is none, but that’s (meaning my last post which I just posted today)not a bad idea for a Game Show.

Let’s say the game involves six contestants. Each person is given $1000 dollars. In the first round, everyone secretly bids for something small – let’s say a twenty dollar gift-card to Chuck E. Cheese – and the top five bids win the prize.

The next round has those five people competing for a better prize – let’s say a brand new Kodak digital camera – with their remaining money. Like if I bid $50 to win the $20 gift card, I would only have $950 to bid this round.

And so on and so forth through prizes like a $500 gift certificate courtesy of http://www.tiffanyduffy.com/, a fully loaded 2011 BMW Z-series, and finally the grand prize, season tickets to DC United! That’d be awesome.

I’m not sure if there are any game shows like that, but if there aren’t, I’m laying claim to this one. Maybe I should contact my local broadcaster and see about making this a reality. I could be the next Bob Barker!

Dreaming of an Audience

I don’t want to start detailing every dream I have, however rare they are, but after revealing yesterday’s one-of-a-kind dream to my esteemed audience, last night I dreamt of (to my knowledge) two-thirds of this very audience. It’s quick and makes absolutely no sense, but I thought I’d share.

It begins with a phone call home. My Dad answers and mentions my sister Martha’s whereabouts. In pure disbelief, I end the conversation with my Dad and set out to see my sister first-hand. She and her husband are at a bar playing a game called the Ticket Tree, where you have to outbid people for better tickets. It makes no sense, so don’t worry about the details.

Everyone playing had gotten pretty into the game, none more so than my sister and brother-in-law who were each dressed up like Christmas trees, complete with giant, softball-sized glowing lights wrapped around them.

As the game progressed, and you outbid people, everyone who bid enough to advance had to lift themselves up to higher and higher platforms on the wall. These platforms were set in a triangle, thus the Tree, with the winner getting the best tickets of all. My sister got pretty high up the Ticket Tree before I woke up.

The tickets they were after… field level seats to the Boston Red Sox. I have no idea why they would want them but that’s what it was.

Dream Big, or Don't Dream at All

I read somewhere that the one thing, above all else, that is a sure-fire conversation killer is to start talking about dreams. Apparently, it’s one of the few topics where the listener has zero input. I think of this whenever someone shares one of their dreams, and the result usually involves my eyes glazing over as I’m deep in thought wondering why that is and how I use to like hearing the strangeness of others’ dreams. Ultimately, it’s become something of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

That being said, I had a dream last night. It woke me at 1:40 in the morning with my heart pounding and a sharp pain in my ribs, and it kept me up most of the night after that. Similar to most dreams, some details were fluid and didn’t make much sense, but I’ll do my best to convey the basics of one of the greatest dream of all time.

It starts out with me being the President of the United States. I don’t remember most of my dreams, but I like to think that I carry some weighty title like that in the vast majority of them. I had my beautiful wife next to me and we were talking to a pilot of sorts through a hatch in the ceiling. He asked a question and gave a demonic smile when my wife agreed to go explore the moon with him. I think it was actually the sun, but that makes even less sense.

Either way, I felt like I had been stabbed in the back by my own wife as she scurried up through the hole in the ceiling. Decisions were being made without me, the President, and I knew that I was no longer safe where I was. My reactions were slow; I remember thinking that I should have jumped up and closed the hatch denying my wife the chance to go explore the moon (or sun), sealed it with a spin of the wheel, and hightailed it out of there.

I knew that safety existed through a blue door somewhere in the distance.

I should have followed my instincts, but something held me back. This is where it gets kind of murky, as I’m not sure why I didn’t immediately seek refuge behind the blue door. When I found the blue door though, I turned the other way, for there was work to be done. Some sort of mysterious mission had to be accomplished first.

I went down a hallway looking for answers. The hallway turned to the left and then there was a door to a closet. Behind that door was a man, who I guess didn’t have the right answers, because I killed him. I killed him with my bare hands.

This is a first for me. I’m not a killer, in real life or in dreams, so I was little freaked out by it. I also knew that this only heightened the danger I was in and further jeopardized my mysterious mission, so I had to hide the body. To do this, I went back down the hallway and turned out the lights. Brilliant, eh? No one would suspect to look down a dark hallway.

There was a group of important people walking by just as I was switching off the lights and they asked me what I was up to. The biggest of the bunch, a guy who must have been at least 7 feet tall, was suspicious and I had to turn him away from going down the hall.

I went on my way searching for whatever I was searching for when there was commotion from the group as they had turned back to search the dark hallway. I knew that I didn’t have much time. I sprinted towards the sanctuary of the blue door. I ran past the 7-foot man. I was impressed with myself for how fast I was running. As the door was quickly approaching, I heard a gunshot.

That’s when I woke up, at 1:40 in the morning, with my heart racing and a sharp pain in my ribs. I think I dreamt that I got shot and the pain is what woke me up. As I tried to calm down, and sort through this dream, I kept thinking that I should have killed the 7-foot tall man as I ran by; if I had jumped up and grabbed his head, it wouldn’t have slowed me down too much and I would have made it to the blue door.

Now, after thinking about my violent dream through the rest of the night - yep, I couldn't fall back asleep -and most of the day, I’m a little worried about myself. I mean, who would want to be President of the United States?

Hang Ten and Cowabunga

Today, I saw something I have never seen before, nor would I have ever imagined seeing in my life time. It happened at the lake where I eat lunch often. Take this photo of the quaint and pristine lake:

Now, picture if you can, two older ladies, wearing bright older-lady-pinks-and-blues, rounding the corner and coming to shore… surfing. As in, on surfboards.

While it was a pretty blustery day, there were, predictably, no waves at the lake, as it is a small lake and not the ocean. Because of this, the two ladies each had one long oar, which they wielded like the famous Venetian gondoliers of yore, leisurely and effectively. From afar, I wondered if their boats were actually some version of a gondola, but as they neared I saw that they were definitely just surfboards. Yep, just two old ladies riding surfboards.

Maybe I’m, once again, behind the times and this surfing-gondola thing is sweeping the nation and I’m just the last to know. But I can’t imagine that people would want to be stuck standing up, carrying a bulky stick, when they could sit and paddle and have a similar experience. Of course, if this was fifteen or twenty years ago, I would have questioned the emergence of the kayak, thinking the canoe adequately filled the hand-powered-boat niche, so what do I know?

I do know that when I’m older and wearing my bright pinks-and-blues, I can only hope to have the gumption to go surfing, or gondolaing, or just try something new and bizarre. For this reason, I say, “Surf on, sister-friends. Surf on.”

Mind Reading Vampires

Lately, I’ve been reading the Sookie Stackhouse/vampire books. While the series started out being more or less just murder mysteries with, how should I say it, unique characters, it has sort of devolved into a Halloween-themed soap opera. And just like Day of Our Lives, I can’t resist. It’s given me a couple things to think about though.

Firstly, I think I’ve got vampires figured out. Sure they can be incredibly powerful and insanely fast; of course, they have an extremely acute sense of smell, hearing, and vision; and legend says they are irresistibly attractive, but I think all this is the result of one thing: sleep.

Vampires are forced to sleep during the daylight hours. They simply cannot see the light of day. That means they’re sleeping a minimum of ten or so hours each day. I don’t know about you, but if I got that much sleep each and every day, I too would be incredibly powerful and irresistibly attractive. As far as the other stuff, super-speed and whatnot, I’ll believe it when I see it.

The other thing is Sookie Stackhouse. Her special power is that she can read people’s thoughts. If she were to read my thoughts, she would see that I think about this all the time. Recently, whenever I have a thought about someone, even if it’s a relatively harmless thought, my mind immediately jumps to this thought of, “what if they can read minds and they are reading my mind right now!” Then, if there’s time, I start to test them, “Hello… hey… are you reading my mind? There’s an extremely attractive person to your left.” I haven’t gotten a reaction yet.

Yep, if mind readers are out there, I’m sure I’ll find one. And when I do, I hope they’ll introduce me to all their supernatural friends.

His & Hers Toothpaste

What kind of Tuba can you not play?

A Tuba Toothpaste.  Ha! Ha! Ha!

So as you can tell, there are two tubas of toothpaste in the picture.  One for me and one for my wife, can you guess whose is whose?

It's usually not this extreme, but a month ago, while I was packing to go out of town, I decided to take with me our shared toothpaste, which was near it's end.  While I returned after just a few days, the cap to the toothpaste remains out-of-town. 

There wasn't much left, it seemed at the time, so I considered just throwing away the capless tube of toothpaste.  But then I got to thinking... why should I throw away perfectly good toothpaste?  Thus, it began and slowly but predictably the toothpaste built up around the opening.  Each day it grew and grew until it came to resemble the art that it is. 

That's right, I said it, it's art.  I can hear the critics now, "It represents both the beaulty and the ugliness of life.  It cleans while needing to be cleaned.  It represents motion while representing hardened rigidity.  It creates while it destroys; it destroys while it creates.  It even promises fresh breath.  It is such an ordinary item, yet I cannot look away."  And that would just be for the one tube.

If you included the second tube of toothpaste in the same piece of art, suddenly it becomes so much more.  "This work speaks of truths that civilization is to ashamed to recognize.  The constant pursuit of cleanliness that we all share has rendered us all filthy.  Soiled by the ignorance of consumption.  Consumed by the spoils of greed.  What is used, is easily replaced.  What is replaced is easily still of use.  Yes, the artist is telling us all that our morning breath overwhelming our lives, that we all wreak of failure."

Then if you put it in front of a mirror, the meaning is only magnified...

I could go on and on.  I have to say though, that that ugly empty tube of toothpaste is still spitting out toothpaste on command after all this time.  It's really quite impressive.  Of course, when I do switch over to a new tube, I'll have to remember to keep an eye on the cap.

Our New Camera!

We got our fancy new camera and this weekend, we were finally able to take it out for a test drive. We used a nearby park for our first time out.
This picture is the result of a pretty cool feature of our camera, where you basically take three pictures and it stitches them all together. So Tiff took a picture of me sitting on a log, then took a picture of the empty middle section, then I took a picture of Tiff on the other end of the log. Pretty cool, eh?

By the way, aren't we cute in our plaid?

So the camera's super fancy, so before you watch the first ever video of me with this camera, I encourage you to go ahead and pop some popcorn, use the restroom, get comfortable and adjust your mind to widescreen, because what you are about to see is a cinematic experience like no other! And Please Silence Your Cellphones.

(I had to shrink it all funny because of the widesceenedness, so if it look all wrong for anyone, please comment. Thanks!)

Pictures Without Cameras

With the camera gone, I have to turn from photos to art. Perhaps I should hire a courtroom artist, I'm not sure what they're actually called, to illustrate scenes of my life. I don't think anyone could object to sketching me going to work, or eating a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich for lunch, or agonizing as I watch another DC United game unfold into defeat.

My wife’s an artist. I could just hire her. She sells stuff online. While most of what she does is birds and trees, her latest is of a cat:

She usually doesn’t do people though, so it could be a bit of a challenge for her. Or at least that's what I thought until this past weekend when, looking through her old sketch books, I found this little picture tucked away in the corner of a page dated 10/09… I will call it A Portrait of Me.
I think it's brilliant. She says she doesn’t remember doing it, but it makes me wonder what exactly I was doing that warranted me being drawn in my underwear with a big, goofy grin on my face. My guess: probably standing around in my underwear with a big, goofy grin on my face. There's a good chance I was envisioning myself having just saved the day... perhaps a thought bubble with me donning a cape billowing in the breeze would help. Although, I don't think courtroom sketches have too many thought bubbles.

I can only imagine the floating head glaring at me is the artist herself. Sometimes I suppose I deserve to be glared at.

Anyways, I love this picture of me, and I hope to find many uses for it here at the Muted Guerrilla. Maybe my intern Jeff can put it to good use.

Cell Phones

What do Warren Buffet, Russian billionaire Mikhail Prokhorov, Tavis Smiley and the Muted Guerrilla's own John Duffy have in common? That's right, they all scorn cellphone usage.