Squirrel Fraud

While I was housesitting last week, John called me and informed me that there was a squirrel on our balcony... our 4th floor balcony. We've lived here over 3 years and have never seen a squirrel higher than the second floor, so this was one adventurous squirrel. Anyway, when John first saw it, it was laying flat on it's belly with its head hanging over the edge, seemingly wondering how the hell it was going to get down.

It stayed like that for a day or so. The next time John checked the porch, it was gone, so we figured no problem.... When I got home from housesitting, I glanced out the window and saw the squirrel was back, this time making himself at home, chewing his way into my birdseed bucket and proceeding to sit inside of it and eat birdseed for over 2 hours. I'm not joking, I clocked him.

SO, being the animal lover that I am (and quite honestly those things are pretty scary face to face and there was no way either of us were going out there), we named him Dexter (get it.. deck-ster), and took pictures of him, thinking he would go away after finishing off the seedy goodness.

That night I checked on our balcony, in hopes of playing a mean game of competitive Scrabble with John outside without fear of a squirrel attack. BUT, Dexter had taken an old tee shirt that was out there and put it into one of our flower beds and made a comfy place to curl up and nap in... or sleep in all night, which is what happened. Now that was cute. This went on for a couple days. It really irritated my cat, but John and I both liked the new pet. We started to wonder if maybe Dexter had been banished from his squirrel friends and had nowhere else to go. We decided over time Dexter would get used to us, and eventually we'd gain some mutual respect and be able to share the balcony space and live in harmony with nature. Plus, he was way more fun to watch than the birds anyway.

This morning I woke up to check on Dexter to see if he slept there all night. I walked to the window and there he was. Covered in dirt. For those of you who don't know, John bonsais. He works hard at bonsai-ing. It's not easy to do and the plants are his babies. Maybe we should've told that to Dexter...but we didn't, and when I saw him, he was having a lot of squirrely fun rolling around in John's newly planted Japanese Maples. Dexter and I made eye contact and I realized, he was not an outcasted member of squirrel society. He was just a greedy, no-good, low-down rodent.

So, still in my pajamas, I armed myself with an extendable feather duster, and I put on a winter hat, leather gloves, and John's tennis shoes and fearlessly ventured onto the balcony. The western show-down music played in my head as I extended the duster and wacked at Dexter until he jumped. Those things are incredible jumpers.

I brought all of Dexter's things inside so if he returns, he'll know I mean business.

So, kids, don't let squirrels fool you, no matter how convincing they may be.